Relationships can be a source of security, a shelter where you can find protection. It can also become the arena of hopelessness and everlasting conflict. Blaming or finding a scapegoat can never be the focus of couples therapy. I believe that relationship conflicts are unintentionally but jointly created by members of the couple, over and over again. Conflicts often follow a recurring pattern, which once triggered, is very difficult to stop. The purpose of couples counselling is to understand how imbalances are created between members of the couple, and what maintains them. That is why we are trying to slow down and investigate these situations under a magnifying glass. When we understand exactly what is happening, we have the opportunity to deviate from the accustomed, destructive pattern.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Systemic/Family therapy give the theoretical basis of my work. I pay close attention to the appearing emotions as we try to understand the underlying motivations and desires that the individual is maybe not even aware of. During this process, the members of the couple learn to identify their needs and desires that were not recognized and expressed before. When these preferences become available, it will gradually be easier to express them directly, without bypassing or manipulating them. In the meantime, we aim to understand how transgenerational family patterns that are transmitted across generational boundaries survive in the relationship and how they are reproduced by the members of the couple.
When should you go to couples therapy?
The main reasons couples seek therapy is for help with problems that arise in the relationship or difficulties with sexuality. It is always an advantage to have both members of the couple present. Relationship issues can be a lot more efficiently addressed in couples therapy than in an individual process. Some examples for undertaking therapy:
• Relationship crisis • Sexual issues • Dependent relationship, co-dependency • Recurring conflicts • Having a baby changed the relationship • Trust issues, jealousy • Infidelity and unfaithfulness • Leave or stay?
In parallel to, or before couples therapy, I kindly recommend the following book for joint reading. The book is based on the methodology of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the efficiency of which is confirmed by a series of studies. The book was not issued for experts, but for those couples who would like to understand better the nature of attachment and the dynamics of their relationships. The book does not substitute therapy, but they can help accelerate the process of getting through difficulties for couples ready to work between sessions. Susan Johnson is the Lead Researcher of the Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy in the United States.
Meetings typically take place weekly or every two weeks at pre-arranged times. Confidentiality is maintained about everything said in sessions. In our work we consider ourselves bound by the Code of Ethics of the Hungarian Family Therapy Association.
